ikhaya lam

   Winter 1968 Wat is beter: om te weet jou pa gaan dood of om hom onverwags te verloor? So wonder ek en my neef nou die dag. 'n Ander niggie, wie se pa onverwags weg is, reken sy sou enigiets gee vir nog net een gesprek, vir die kans om te kan afskeid neem. Ek sê ek weet nie. My pa (middel agter op die foto hierbo) is dood ná twee maande in 'n hoësorgeenheid. Hy het sy hoeveelste hartaanval oorleef en sou moes terug hospitaal toe vir 'n hartomleiding wanneer hy sterk genoeg was. Een keer was dit ámper. 'n Dominee in 'n bruin poliësterpak roep my eenkant toe in die intensiewe eenheid. Hy wil weet of daar iets fout is tussen my en my pa. Ek voel oorbluf. Ek kan nie sien waarop die gesprek afstuur nie. Die magswanbalans tussen outoriteitsfiguur en sestienjarige laat my onseker staan. Nee, hoekom? Want dit lyk of jou pa nie wíl lewe nie, sê hy. Ek steek die geheim weg dat ek en my pa baklei. Dat ons nooit praat oor my dooie ma (heel regs op foto bo) nie. Dat hy drink e...

  The title of the story will be “Ek het niks hier verloor nie”. The title will be ironic.   A Farm with No Name   I will write about how there’s nothing left of the homestead I grew up in, nothing to go back for. How Africa is reclaiming the garden, and how it is fitting that way. Nature takes over from neglect and erases my father’s footsteps from the farm. It demolishes my mother’s vegetable garden and the exotic mulberry tree that fed my silkworms. I listened to Springsteen's Magic while driving the roads of the Eastern Cape earlier this year: "This is what will be, this is what will be".   Entry to the Vegetable Garden. There was an enormous mulberry tree next to the gate. My mother bred Boerboel dogs and Landras pigs, and found time to nurture an alcohol addiction in between. My dad ploughed fields and drank a lot of coffee. There used to be this ad in the Huisgenoot , it showed a big clock with a cup of Ricoffy at every hour. I think my fa...

   "Sometimes I write in self-defense" - Maya Angelou   The day before my birthday I was asked (again) why the search for my biological parents is so important to me; what I hoped to gain by knowing. I found my birth mother several decades ago. She gave birth to both the enquirer and I. I've given up on a relationship with "our" mother, but I would still like to find (out who) my father (was). I will therefore attempt to come up with a once-and-for-all answer on this page, if such a thing is possible. Because I think the answers change as one grows, but more about that later.  I suspect that, when she asked, my genetic half-sister was unaware of the significance of the following day. Not that I mind: I would prefer not to celebrate my birthday. I mark the day only because it seems important to others. This is in no way negative or sad, it's what I feel comfortable with. I don't much see the point of celebrating anybody's birthday after the age of 21....