ikhaya lam

  Dis wanneer ek só voel dat Buurman se .270 baie aanloklik begin lyk waar hy in die kluis toegesluit staan. Die wanskape misvormdheid voor die computer kan nie skryf nie. Die ding sit op die stoel met 'n klip in sy maag, 'n krampagtige gevoel wat eers herinner aan opgewondenheid, tot die gedrog besef: dis vrees wat so voel. Verlammende vrees vir wanskape wees. Die wanskape wese vrees sy eie wanstaltigheid. Ek soek woorde in die HAT, want hierdie wanskapenheid bestaan buite die kring van naamgewing, soos 'n brandsiek township-hond wat aan niemand behoort nie. Die lelike ding wat niemand wil sien nie, wat almal van wegkyk; nie van wil weet nie. Wat mens sommer wegskop wanneer hy 'n oorlas van homself maak.   Op die laaste dag van September stuur my suster twee vars foto's van ons ma. Sy vra eers of ek wil sien, want sy is gaaf en het begrip. Ek sê ja en laai die foto's af. Dit vat my weke om die foto's oop te maak. Ek kyk skrams, sonder om te sien. Ek raak ga...

   "Sometimes I write in self-defense" - Maya Angelou   The day before my birthday I was asked (again) why the search for my biological parents is so important to me; what I hoped to gain by knowing. I found my birth mother several decades ago. She gave birth to both the enquirer and I. I've given up on a relationship with "our" mother, but I would still like to find (out who) my father (was). I will therefore attempt to come up with a once-and-for-all answer on this page, if such a thing is possible. Because I think the answers change as one grows, but more about that later.  I suspect that, when she asked, my genetic half-sister was unaware of the significance of the following day. Not that I mind: I would prefer not to celebrate my birthday. I mark the day only because it seems important to others. This is in no way negative or sad, it's what I feel comfortable with. I don't much see the point of celebrating anybody's birthday after the age of 21....

    No, I'm not LGBTQIA+ . And if you don't know what that means, shame on you click on the letters to find out.      [...waiting for the Flintstones to find their way back from the link...]    Ah, I see you're back.   Sit down.    Let me tell you a story.    At the beginning of this globally conspicuous year a scorpion killed my kitten . I had loved the little critter - the cat, not the scorpion - and I was devastated. Hannes had been given my Dad's name in a hubristic temptation of fate and fate answered. The small, soft, patched body that used to perch on my shoulder and purr into my ear while I sat at my desk lay lifeless under the Oregon pine kitchen cupboard where he'd crawled in to die. I sat outside on the gravel and howled like a mother who'd lost a child, because I had.   His favourite place I thought expressing grief during the loss meant I wouldn't stuggle with depression afterwards. But I stayed listless in ...

dit brand soos ‘n pyl in my. Die mense sien daar niks nie van, en die Here alleen die weet wat ek ly. Die dae kom en die nagte gaan; die skadu’s word lank en weer kort; die drywerstem van my werk weerklink, en ek gaan op my kruisweg vort. https://gedigteboom.co.za/totius/o-die-pyn-gedagte/     I know at least seven women who have lost a child.    I, myself, managed to lose someone else's child.    "How do you do that?" I hear you ask.    You take in a six-year old when his mother's life falls apart and you keep him until he reaches high school, after which the arrangement becomes permanent and one day you realise you've become a single step-parent to a teenager. When you divorce his father many years later, you also lose the only "child" you'd ever known.    That is how you lose someone else's child.   It was not until I found Buurman that the possibility of a human baby crossed my mind. The Bulldog ...