I Like the Dry Champagne





I had to turn down an invitation to a friend's birthday weekend in order to accommodate the influx of carpenters, plumbers, painters and assorted handlangers that have taken up residency in ikhaya lam, even on Saturdays. When I did so I forgot that Friday was Eid al-Adha, and that no self-respecting Muslim artisan would be installing kitchen cupboards/erecting shower enclosures/painting walls this Saturday.

So I set off for Fish Hoek beach yesterday afternoon to visit the birthday party at their seaside holiday cabana, thinking I could pick up a bottle of bubbly on the way to make amends for my - as it turned out unnecessary - absenteeism. It was a beautiful day and the drive was one of those exhilarating ones that makes you wish for a sports car and long, flowing, blonde hair.

I settled for an eager hatchback with air conditioning and Pink on the stereo: "lordy lordy lordy I can't help it I like to party it's gene-tic, it's elec-trifying..." all the way across Boyes Drive and down into Kalk Bay. When we lived in Kommetjie my husband used to refer to Fish Hoek as "an old-age home, you just need to put a roof on it" and yesterday I was reminded why. A few blocks into Main Road I was happy to spot a Woolies Food shop - I'd been told they had a special on their Cap Classique. Alas, walking down every isle twice did not produce even sparkling wine, never mind reasonably priced Cap Classique.

It dawned on me that not all Woolies Food stores might stock wine and I rushed across the road to Pick & Pay, where I did the isle-walking for roughly five minutes before I had to admit they were hiding the stuff from me. That was when I was reminded by a helpful shop assistant that the good people of Fish Hoek do not allow the sale of liquor in their town. I would have to drive all the way out to Longbeach Mall to find a bottle.

Fish Hoek is what is known as a "dry" area. It has no retail liquor outlets. The original land grant included a clause that outlawed the sale of liquor, and it stuck. Some say the prohibition was introduced to keep wagon drivers, transporting goods from Kalk Bay to Simon's Town, from getting drunk halfway and well, falling off their wagons.

Others say it was those pesky sailors that had to be kept sober nearly 200 years ago. Yup, no "what shall we do with the drunken sailor earl-y in the morning" here. Fish Hoek has sober seamen. The city fathers conceded to the sale of alcohol in restaurants only by 1994. New applications for liquor licences are always turned down and bars go out of business faster than you can order a strawberry daquiri.

This does not prevent beachgoers from stumbling drunkenly across the parking lot to their cars, as I would discover later. In fact, it does not prevent anybody from drinking. It just means you BYO.

"Ok, all is not lost", I thought as I traversed the long stretch of suburbia that lay between me and my liquor purchase, it's just going to take a bit longer to get to the party. Across the road from the Big Mall there is also a smaller, quieter Pick & Pay. I decided to go there to avoid the crowds at Longbeach proper. Alas, it offered doughnuts and gardening equipment, fresh boerpampoen and fruity Christmas cake, but no alcohol. By this time I was ready to contribute bottled water to the birthday party, when I saw a Rebel liquor store on my way out of Pick & Pay.

Yes, they have Cap Classique.

No, they don't have a fridge.

So off I went, back to Fish Hoek, with my bottle of warm bubbles and my metaphorical bubble quite thoroughly burst. After much drunken-reveller-dodging through the parking lots at the beach I arrived at the weekend cottage to find eight women in various stages of turning into crayfish.

They had spent two hours in the sun over lunchtime in the company of Bacchus and were suffering the consequences. No, they did not feel like drinking anything more. Except maybe some pain pills. I couldn't really blame them - they looked too sore.

After travelling halfway across the peninsula to procure us a bottle of bubbly I indulged in a glass, wished them well and drove home, grateful that ikhaya lam, however crowded it may get during the following week, is not situated in Fish Hoek.




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